Communication, Cowardly Confession and Waking up
by I'mnotanecropheliac
Summary: LAST CHAPTER! There was a lull. The voids were often filled with the smiles they couldn’t see, or just the work that required all mental attention. The voids should have been filled with their laughter and love, not their denial.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own them though I love them affectionately with most well not all but with bits and pieces of my swollen heart.

Author's Note: Well here it is finally. I'm almost done with it but I thought I would issue this first chapter. The whole thing might be a bit confusing. I'm playing it almost like a Memento theme. But when the end comes, you'll cry. Well maybe not but it will be good and most, or dare I say all confusion shall be lifted. Well here it is finally. Love me.

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She got out of bed feeling as though she had never slept. All night she had barely wavered into sleep. She hung amid the world of dreams and reality. Sleep it seemed had only existed to shatter her hopes as she constantly woke. How could she sleep after what had happened?

She stumbled into the bathroom. After washing her face she felt a little more awake. She looked at herself in the mirror.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she said to the pale-faced vision in front of her.

Only the night before she had finally made her confession to him. Standing, ready to get onto the plane, just before she left him, she turned and told him. Now staring at the person before her she couldn't help but feel like a coward. She had told him at that moment, so he wouldn't have a chance to respond. As she had walked towards security, away where he couldn't follow, she had briefly kissed his check.

"I love you," she had whispered close to his ear. And then she was gone.

She hadn't the courage to see if he stumbled. She didn't want to hear him pause before he told her he didn't love her. She had nearly cried on the plane. By the time she was home she went straight to bed. But she hadn't slept.

How could she sleep? Had she ruined everything? Why had she been such a coward? Did he love her? Did he hate her? Could she ever dial his number again? Would he ever call her? Would he want to see her? What was she thinking? What the hell was she thinking?

She walked to her kitchen, barren, as she had left it weeks before. She had cried herself into the full awareness she now had. Standing in the barren shadows of her kitchen walls she realized if he didn't call she would be spending the rest of her life alone. Sad and alone. She would have to buy a cat, or maybe many cats. She would be a bag lady. One of those sad stories where they had found love, but never conquered it. She stood in her kitchen looking around. She never thought she could feel this lost standing in a room she new so well.

She found some instant oatmeal, added some water and put it in the microwave. She turned on the television and watched the news from her kitchen island.

"Polls show the President's approval ratings have fallen to 48 down from 55 only three weeks ago. Critics claim it is due to the recent events in Teresta and President Santos' lack of response. Just over three weeks ago terrorists in Teresta killed 200 civilians, and injured hundred of others. Nine Americans are dead after the insistent and twelve others are still in critical condition. President Santos has yet to..."

Somehow she drowned it out. Her trail of thought led her to several roads of misfortune. She faded into her mind not hearing the microwave beep repeatedly behind her or the television blare with political criticism. She merely stood in awe of her terrible thoughts, trapped.

Suddenly she shook herself from thought and managed to open the microwave and reach for her bowl.

"Owe!" she muttered and she pulled her fingers away quickly and blew on them. She looked at the bowl sitting comfortably on the microwave disc. She felt defeat.

She left her oatmeal to cool down, and went to the living room. She sat on her couch in front of her television. Vision of devastation stormed the screen. Teresta had been a terror attack to defeat all others. It had been devastation to the extreme, not only a holy war, or a political war, but a war on what was truly human nature. Several buildings had fallen down, two of which were schools. Video clips showed children running away as buildings blew up behind them.

A week ago she had known nothing about Teresta, now she knew too much. As she stared at the images that flashed before her she couldn't help but feel desensitized. It was an awful feeling she never thought she would experience. She never thought the faces of children crying would make her feel so little. She wanted to regain her innocence but she knew she never would.

She sat and wondered what Josh's options must be. Whatever he was doing she knew it was right. God she wished she had never gone to D.C. She wished now she had never waited to come home. She wanted to erase time, to stop herself from seeing Josh. She felt her stomach turn as she thought of the day he would have, and how she hadn't made it any easier.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I have some fish. I own them. But I don't sadly do not own the characters after which this is written.

Author's Note: I love this. I hope you do. Review. Please.

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Nearly four months had passed since he had seen her. He had never imagined it would happen. That even days could be extended without having spoken with her was still hard for him to grasp. But she had moved on, and left him standing still.

When they were working on the campaign they had seen each other often enough. Even when it was awkward and hostile it had been worth it. But after the nomination, and the end of the election, She turned down his job offer. She had found work in California.

She moved out from D.C. and he hadn't seen her since.

The phone rang and stumbled him out of his thought. How late was it anyway, two?

"Josh Lyman," he answered. He was still working. He spent so little time had home he began to wonder why he had one. The past few weeks had kept him at his office nearly 24/7. Still it felt good to fall into his own bed, when he could, instead of his office couch.

"Hi Josh."

It was Donna.

"What the hell are you doing up?" he asked feeling a little to groggy to recall much.

"I'm in Gaza Josh," she reminded him slowly. "And it's nice to hear from you too."

He sat up suddenly remembering who and where he was. "Sorry. But when you call at two in the morning I start to think you're working to hard."

"Says the man who's slept on his couch all week," she responded. "I was just calling because I'll be in town tomorrow."

"You're coming to D.C.?"

"I know that you're horribly busy and you probably don't have time to visit with an old friend..."

"No, no," he told her eyes wide open. "When do you get in?"

"Well my plane leaves in two hours," her voice chimed. "And with all the delays going on I should be there around six in the afternoon."

He laughed. "How was the trip?"

She sighed deep in her throat. "I can't wait to get home."

He tensed up finally remembering where Donna would be going. "Are you just on a lay over or something?" There was such a sound of grief in his voice.

"Actually I'm not working for the Governor anymore," she said in a voice so low and depressed Josh couldn't help but feel anxious. "I'm planning on staying in D.C. for a few weeks before crawling back to California."

Her tone had changed. Somehow it became hard for him to believe she wanted to go back to California, back "home". It sounded to him like she wanted to come back to where she belonged.

"When did you stop working for the Governor?" he asked, still not believing she had quit.

"Umm… well I guess that was Tuesday," she told him.

She had called on Tuesday. Was that why? Had she been fired? No, he thought to himself. They'd be crazy to fire Donna.

"Donna I…"

She interrupted him. "Josh I really have to go. My cell phone bill is going to be crazy."

"Okay," he said trying to hide his disappointment. "What's your flight number?"

"Hmm?" she mumbled obviously a little distracted. "Oh…I left it with Maggie…"

He smiled. She had called to check in with him, not his assistant. "Okay I'll pick you up at the airport?"

"Josh?" she questioned him.

"Okay, okay…" he began. "I'll _try_ and pick you up. If I can't I'll send someone."

"Oh that's just what I need, a secret service escort," she laughed overly sarcastic.

"Hey didn't you have a flight or something," he retorted, faking offence.

"Bye," she said and hung up.

"Bye" he whispered when the phone went dead.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own them. I do own things but not these things. You know who and what so I hope I don't have to explain further. I am tired.

Author's Note: Here enjoy. I did. I will. I love.

She dialed the phone slowly. Every time she tried she got a little farther before she erased the number. She had known long ago that she had to move on. Move on from him. She just didn't think it would be this hard.

"Lyman," he answered his phone.

"Josh?" she asked a little surprised.

"Donna?" he asked in equal awe. She had only been gone a week. And a call from Gaza was expensive.

"Yeah," she began. "Where's Maggie?"

"It's late. I sent her home," Josh told her in a playful and anticipating tone.

"Okay," she began curiously. "My next question is what are you still doing at the office?"

"Hmm? Oh I'm just waiting on something," he told her vaguely. "And what are you doing up? Shouldn't you be sleeping or something?"

"Right well it's morning now," she told him. "I'm glad you're concerned though." She smiled slowly. "I want to go home."

It sounded weird for her to call home such a far away place. But he didn't stop her. He knew she had to let go if she was ever going to come back to him. Come back home.

"And to what do I owe the honor of this late call?" he asked after a pause.

"I was just…" she paused. "I just wanted to…" she didn't know what to say.

"Donna what's wrong?" he asked when he hear the edginess in her voice. He wasn't sure but she sounded like she was crying.

"Josh I…" she felt her cheeks flush with red, her lip quiver, and her eyes fill with water. She was trying to hold back tears but the lump in her throat was making it hard to speak. "Do you… do you remember about three years ago… when... when we went to Burbank?"

He thought for a moment. He desperately wanted to say yes. "I can't say I do?" his voice sounded concerned. "Donna, are you okay?"

She felt a tear stream her cheek. "No," she whispered. "Not really."

"Is there…"

"I was just thinking," she interrupted him wiping her cheek in a quiet and invisible show of strength. "Did you ever think…" she didn't know how to explain. "Josh do you remember my friend Lisa?"

"Umm…" he thought. "Yeah I meet her once… at a party right?"

"Yeah," she said feeling better. "She's just been really sick…"

"Josh!" she heard on the other line.

Josh stood up but he didn't let go of the phone. She needed him or at least he wanted to be needed. The President could wait.

"Is she alright?" Josh asked her nearly ignoring the man standing before him.

"Josh," she sighed. She wiped away all her tears. She had to be strong. "I know that voice."

"He can wait," Josh said aloud, waving a hand at Santos.

"Josh!" she said a little stronger. She heard him sigh and felt old emotions surface. She felt safe. She felt right. She felt strong.

"Donna I know what I'm doing," Josh told her full of pride.

"When have you ever demonstrated that," she nearly laughed. She stopped him before he could start again. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have called tonight…."

"Donna?" he began to protest.

"I should go."

He sighed. "You'll call later?"

"I'll call soon," she redirected.

"Okay," he managed.

"Bye."

"Bye," he said, and then hung up.

She held the phone to her ear a moment longer. "I miss you," she mumbled before she began to cry again.

"How can I help you sir?" Josh said as he turned to his boss.

"Who was that?"

"Oh just a friend," Josh shrugged it off.

"_He can wait!_" The President repeated sarcastically.

"Yes well..." Josh thought of how to rephrase it. "Well that was Donna."

"Oh," Santos paused. "_The _Donna?"

Josh gave a short laugh but managed a nod through his denial.

"Just for clarification if I needed you because... oh I don't know... we were going to war, would you still have told me to wait?"

"For Donna?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah probably," Josh said without pausing.

"Okay then," Santos remarked. "I'll have to remember that."

"Did you need something sir?" Josh asked politely.

"No," Santos said. "I was going to yell at you for the Geese comment but now it doesn't seem like much fun."

Really both of them were struggling with the decision they had to make. In the past few days they had faced more than they had since they had taken office. They were struggling morally. They were struggling humanly. Even though they tried to laugh about it both of them knew that they had to be on the same page. If they covered up their anger and fear with jokes about Geese then they were doing pretty fine.

"Okay then," Josh said not hiding his irritation. "The report should be here soon?"

"You'll bring it over?" he asked pointing to the Oval.

"Yeah," Josh nodded. As the President began to back out again Josh began to speak. "And sir I just want you to know that I'll be there the entire time."

Santos smiled, and nodded. That's really what he had come to hear. "How's Donna?" The President asked Josh, who had now faded into a different dimension.

"She was crying," Josh replied almost automatically, almost crying himself.

"Why?" Santos asked quietly.

"I don't know."

The President left Josh alone, in his silence and stillness.

"I miss her."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I wish I owned them. But I don't. I don't even own a cat. So it would be nice to own these characters. But I don't.

Author's note: Okay so this chapter wasn't finished if it had been it would have gone up. You should expected maybe two chapters soon. Okay I lie one and then I am sleeping.

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She stumbled out of bed. It felt good to be in D.C. Maybe she was just being nostalgic but she missed it. It was a different feeling, she could barely remember feeling this happy waking up in California.

She realized how much she missed her old life. She knew it had to be more than just that but she tried to ignore the other reason.

She called for a cab. She pulled her mind together grabbing her things and her coffee mug.

She waited downstairs anxiously. She hadn't ever felt this excited. She paced the front lobby so vigorously the attendant asked her if something was wrong.

"No but thank you," she answered him and went out the front door.

When she reached the White House there was a terrible reminder. All the things she thought she had been running to where really all the things she had been running from. She paced into the West Wing, familiarity was a sensation only mastered by guilt.

She was let in on an appointment and Maggie met her in the lobby. They walked towards Josh's office talking softly about missing each other.

As they got closer Maggie mumbled, "He's in a meeting now but he's been waiting for you. He shouldn't be long."

Donna sat down across from Maggie's desk.

"He missed you," she told her.

Donna felt herself blushing. "I missed him too," she admitted finally.

The door opened and a flock of Congressmen exited. The door stayed open and Josh didn't appear. Maggie was about to stand up but Donna stopped her.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?" he muttered as he stared at some papers on his desk.

She just stood still for a moment not sure how to respond. "Josh!" she said a little more forcefully.

He didn't look up. "Donna what do you…?" Then he stopped. He looked up slowly, his mouth hanging open in awe. "You're… When…? How did you… Who let you…? You're really… I'm not..."

She let out a soft laugh. "Hi." She responded as though telling him it was the word he had wanted.

"Hi," he said and got up.

There was a brief silence. The quiet was agonizing for both of them. But they just stared at each other, looking at the things that had changed. Wondering what other things had been altered from what they were supposed to be.

_He looks tired._

_She looks sad._

_He looked worried._

_She looks beautiful._

Donna was the first to break from the trance. "Are you busy or can I…"

Josh finally noticed she hadn't stepped into his office.

"Oh God! Come in," he said waving her inside and moving out from behind his desk.

She stepped inside but fell abruptly into Josh's arms. She quickly wrapped hers around him. It had been months since she had felt his same feeling. She had forgotten how it felt. She had wondered if it had really existed. She remembered now.

"Josh?" she said quietly.

"Hmmm?" he said not realizing that he was still holding her. His eyes closed in comfort, in safety.

"I can't breathe," she said through her suffocation.

"Oh," he managed and hesitantly let her go.

She stood up straight and looked at the man who was obviously struggling through what was a hard time. She didn't know how to help. Frankly she shouldn't even be there. But she had missed him so much that she just had to come.

"So," Josh said as he spun around to find her a chair. "How was Gaza?"

She nearly laughed then. "How was Gaza? Well I didn't get blown up so that's a bonus."

Josh looked at her worried. He sat down on the chair across from her. "I didn't mean it like..."

She put up a hand to stop him. "I know," she sighed then hesitantly continued. "Well I got fired in Gaza."

"They fired you!" Josh said seething with anger. "How could they…?"

She began to explain. "See the thing is I was spending too much time thinking about where else I could be. And then I missed the Wednesday meeting and then I was fired."

Josh stood up and began to pace. "Seriously Donna, how did this happen? I mean why would anyone in their right mind...?"

"Josh," she said softly trying to pull him back to the reality around him. He stopped pacing and looked at her. As though he had been forced back into her world he let go of his rage and smiled. "It was good that they fired me…" she tried to explain.

"Please don't tell me you have some bizarre rational for this…" he looked at her worried, but now slightly amused.

"If they hadn't fired me I would have quit," she continued. "And if I had quit two jobs in such a short period I would have looked like an underachiever or something…"

Josh was about to protest when there was a knock at the door. Maggie came in carrying a note, which she handed to Josh quickly.

He read the note, quietly, but with a growing look of panic in his eyes.

"Thanks," he said to Maggie. He looked at Donna, eyes still filled with the same look. "Donna I have to..."

She waved him away. "Go save the world."

He nearly pounced from his spot and headed into the Oval Office. Sitting very still Donna could hear them mumble. "There's a situation developing in Veruth…"

"Josh I swear if…"

"We should have good news within…"

"Situation room?"

The two men were gone before she had time the really try and decipher what had been said. She really didn't want to. She knew whatever it was it had something to do with Teresta.

She got up from her chair and walked out towards Maggie's desk. "I'm going to go down to the Mess."

"Okay," Maggie responded with a smile.

She paced through the halls she could remember only barely. She remembered the places where she had stood with him. She realized that she had let go, of all the things that needed to be let go of. She realized that now she had to hang onto the one thing that could make her feel complete. She couldn't let Josh slip through her fingers, like she had when she left.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Yada Yada Yada Yadi. I don't own them. Are you happy?

Author's note: Here we get to do some explaining. Still you feel oddly unfulfilled and shall wait in anticipation for the next chapter. Which I shall spent the morning writing. Here read, then review then we can party together.

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She hated this place. It was hot. It was sad. It was devastating. She wanted to go home, and she didn't mean to California.

She spent almost three days analyzing her life. How she had grown? Whether she had grown? What had she done right? What had she done wrong? What she wanted back? Had she really let go?

She wasn't sure if she was ready. She wanted to go back. She wanted to leave this place. She wanted to get out of this job. She wanted to have control of her life. She wanted to be fulfilled. She wanted to always feel happy.

While she was going over her messages from Brad a new one marked URGENT popped up.

She opened it panicked. It was short. It was sad. She felt alone. She wanted to cry. She didn't know what to say. She had to leave. She had to go home. She needed to be there.

The only thing it said was:

Donna

Lisa died.

She sat still. She didn't know what to do.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't, as in do not, own them, as in the characters.

Author's Note: I want a touch of the poet. Noting to do with this chapter. I just do. Enjoy and please feel free to ignore me.

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There are so many things in this world that shouldn't ever be thought of. Things that are better left not said, not done, unwanted, not looked at. Donna couldn't help but think of the things that she shouldn't. She thought of the man she loved, of the things she'd done wrong, she thought about life and death, and soon enough she felt like dying herself.

She stared at her chocolate pudding. It wasn't as sweet as she remembered. It wasn't as appealing as she thought it would be. She spun her spoon helplessly within it.

"I shouldn't have come," she thought to herself.

Suddenly she felt her eyes grow warm.

"God," she thought. "I can't start crying again."

She sat with her head over her pudding and held back tears. She felt sorrow in her heart. Lisa had been a good friend. She had died alone. Donna didn't want to end up that way. She couldn't help but feel guilty she had let her friend end life that way.

She had finished with the Governor so she could start over. She had come back to Washington to do what was right. She couldn't stop crying, but deep in her heart she knew it wasn't because of Lisa.

Josh found his way to the Mess. He saw her in the corner and went to sit with her. Then he stopped, had she been crying?

Guilt pounded in his chest. He had left her all these years. He hadn't told her to make a choice, hadn't told her to live. He couldn't help but feel as though she were crying over him, because he knew he'd cried over her.

"Donna?" he approached her slowly and spoke quietly.

She looked up at him and wiped her eyes. "Hi." She looked ridiculous and she knew it. She smiled helplessly.

He sat down across form her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm just tired," she lied.

"Donna I…"

"What was the meeting about?" she interrupted hoping that would stop his inquires.

"I can't say," he told her.

"Teresta?" she asked already knowing that was the answer.

He gave a nod. "It's been a tough week."

"I know what you mean," she said under her breath.

He looked at her with worried eyes. This woman he knew so well, he couldn't help but feel he didn't know anything at all. He felt as though he had abandoned her in the most trying parts of her life. That he had lost her was the least of his fears.

"I'd take you to lunch but I can't really get away from the office," he said slowly after a pause.

"No," she told him firmly. "I mean I understand. There's a lot going on."

He nodded.

Then there was a pause. She looked at him and thought if only she could tell him. Then there would be no need for a pause, no need to avoid saying what needed to be said.

"How long are you staying?" Josh asked after a while.

She didn't know. "I'm not sure. I'm on a flight on Thursday but I might just cancel."

He had to ask the question he'd been waiting for. "Why are you here?"

She looked at him hard. It wasn't a selfish request. He wasn't attempting to make her answer what he wanted to feel. She looked at him hard and wondered if he felt anything like she did.

She slowly reached over and took his hand. "I came to see you."

There was a pause. Not so much an awkward one, but one filled with sentiment. One that if broken could only be broken by three single words.

"Donna I.."

Then his phone began to ring. He tried to ignore it, but Donna pulled away her hand and looked back at the table. She had to let him do his job, she had to do what was right.

"Josh Lyman," he answered. "Right… I'll be there…"

He closed his phone and looked back at Donna. She was fiddling with her napkin, pretending nothing had happened.

"Are you going to stick around?" he asked worried she might want to go.

"Yeah," she answered softly.

"Okay," he said and stood up. "I have to go."

She got up with him. "I know. I'll walk you to your office," she said as they began to walk.

He stopped for a split second then continued on. "I'm not going to my office."

She didn't reply, only followed behind him slowly. She really didn't care where he was walking, as long as he came back.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not have ownership of these characters herein written about as they are owned by someone else who I loathe for having ownership of them and therefore standing in the way of me owning them.

Author's Note: God I need some Pie.

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She both hated and loved the person she had become. She was smart. She was kind. But she had lost something. She wanted that back.

There was no doubt she had grown. She had grown professionally. Both locally and nationally she didn't answer to big names she was one. She'd done what she needed to do to grow personally. She had dated jerks; she'd meet several Mr. Right types. Then she stopped dating. She knew there was parts of herself she was suppressing but she had grown enough to face them.

"

"Hey Donna, why don't you date?" Brad asked one evening.

She looked at him almost with anger. Then she shrugged. "I've dated."

"Right dated being the past tense."

"I don't have time. And more to the point I don't have the desire."

"Why?" he asked in his chamrful boyish way.

"Hmmm?" she mumbled distracted by notes.

"Why don't you have a desire? Did it expire? Did it run away?" He asked comically waving his hands in the air.

She knew why for sure in her heart. She just wasn't willing to admit it to herself.

"It's somewhere," she replied. "It's just not around right now."

"Ahhh…" he sighed.

"What she asked in irritation but utter curiosity.

"You don't date because the desire is lost in D.C."

"What the hell…"

"Well not so much lost as chained to a desk," he smiled trying to make his point.

"What are you…"

"God Donna if you don't figure it out soon you'll explode."

"I still have no idea…"

"You're in love with him!" he shouted exasperated. "You've been in love with him for too long. You miss him. You want him. And most importantly you need him.

"Who/" Then she paused when she saw the look on his face. She knew who he was talking about. "That' just crazy. We're friends, just…" she stopped herself. She felt like if she said it, it would be true. At that moment she admitted it to herself. She wanted to be more than his friend, more than his girlfriend even, more than his wife. "And what does that mean I _need _him? I think I've proven that I can survive without him.

Brad smiled. "That's all you're doing. _Surviving_. You want to live. You remember that feeling. Being alive." There was a pause and she thought then Brad spoke again. "You should go home.'

"I just want to look over these notes," she told him.

"That's not what I meant"


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Get off my back. Sorry there was a monkey on my back. I don't own them. I own my monkey.

Author's note: I lost this chapter. So I rewrote this chapter. Here's this chapter.

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She felt cold, which she didn't think was possible. She felt alone, but she had felt that way for quite a while. She felt helpless, and she didn't like it.

Lisa had been a good friend. She had helped her with the move. She had helped her adjust. They had been close. And just as quickly as they had build a strong bond they were parted, by illness, by time, and by death.

She stepped towards the Governor finally having the courage to tell him. She had to go home. She couldn't work for him. She needed to be herself again.

Then suddenly the man turned to face her.

"Donna I've been meaning to talk with you," his voice sounded stern and worried. 'How have you been?"

She wanted to tell him the truth. She needed to tell him the truth. She just couldn't do it. "I've been alright sir but I just wanted too…"

"Donna I've been noticing that you're not quite the girl I hired," he interrupted her.

"I know sir. I just…"

"I don't think you're handling the stress well," he interrupted again.

"I'm sorry?" _Not handling the stress well? You made me come to this place of all places. People are dying, not to mention my friend, and you think I can't handle stress. If you knew the restraint I'm using so I don't strangle you. I… where do you get off telling me I don't handle stress well… what gives you the…_

"I think when we get back we'll have to talk about downsizing your workload," he told her.

She was shocked but mostly upset. Sure she was about to quit but not because she couldn't handle stress. She didn't understand how this man could be so insulting.

"I mean it was a pretty big jump from where you were," he tried to tell her laughing.

She finally got hit with the bare truth. This man had never really trusted her. This man didn't think highly of her at all, he barely even though well of her. She discovered so much in that moment but mostly that this job wasn't worth any of it.

"Sir I don't think I'll be…"

"Governor!" someone shouted over to them.

He barely acknowledged it but so Donna began again. "Sir I…"

Suddenly military officials were running past them, and soldiers vacated areas as they moved to secure different areas.

"Governor!" the aide shouted again.

They both turned to face him.

"Sir there's been a terrorist attack in Teresta," the aide said panting as he reached them.

"When?" the Governor asked in earnest.

"About fifteen minutes ago," the aide answered trying to catch his breath.

"What's happening?"

"Sir there aren't any officials numbers on fatalities," the aide began to speak rather quickly. "But right now it sounds like two hundred."

"Injured?" the Governor asked.

"Dead," the aide said trying his best not to sound mellow dramatic. "They want us at the airport within the hour."

"Who?"

"The President sir," the aide explained. "It was an extremist group sir. There've been more threats."

The two men seemed to float away from her. She stood perfectly still, barely wandering in thought. Soldiers and staff ran around her in what might have seemed like a pattern of panic. As soon as the words past into her mind she stopped thinking, stopped hearing, stopped wondering. She could only think of one thing, when her mind should have turned to panic and survival it thought only of that one thing. Him.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I own them not. Josh is hot. I want some cake.

Author's note: I come for your love

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Josh had never believed the kind of work he would have to do. He hadn't thought being the Chief of Staff would be easy but he thought he was prepared. And for the most part he was. He didn't struggle with the workload, and he was focused, organized, and a good advisor. Still he couldn't help but hate his job at times. Most days he felt nothing, other days he only felt misery.

The President had seen it. Had wanted to do something. But as long as Josh was getting his work done, doing what was right, and still living and breathing he was sure things would be fine.

Josh didn't really have anywhere to go for support. After Donna the person he was closest with was Santos, and he didn't have that much time to talk.

"Josh are you okay?" sounded a voice from his office side door.

Josh quickly rose to his feet. "I'm sorry sir I didn't see you there."

Santos waved for him to sit back down. He entered the room and sat down in the chair across from him.

"I mean it," he began again. "Are you okay?"

Josh smiled half-heartedly. "Well… I… Umm…" Then Josh realized he was stuttering. "Yes sir." He ended on it firmly.

"You wouldn't lie to me?" the President began, knowing Josh too well.

Josh smiled. "I guess I haven't been the most cheerful person of late."

"That's an understatement," Santos laughed.

Josh began to protest.

"Josh the last time I saw you laugh was over two months ago," he interrupted. "I just thought… maybe you'd be enjoying this a little more."

Josh sighed. "I love the work we do. We govern and it's good."

Santos didn't interrupted. No matter how stupid Josh was about to sound maybe he was about to say something relevant.

"But some days… I just wonder if…" Josh didn't want to keep thinking of it. He had been thinking about it for too long now. There was too much to lose by saying something. He had to let it go.

"You wonder what?" the President asked, nearly ordering a response.

"I wonder if…" Josh tired again. "Nothing sir…"

"Josh I…"

Josh waved off his response. "I'll get over it…."

"Get over what!" the President wanted to know.

"Nothing… nothing…" Josh repeated. "It's just not something… please just drop it."

Santos looked at him with a smile. He didn't want to try and predict what was going on. He didn't want to try and imagine what Josh was going through. He wanted to help him, but he didn't want to pry where he wasn't wanted.

"If you say so," Santos told him. "I'll let it go."


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own them. I don't own them. How many times do you need me to tell you?

Auhor's note: I lost this chapter. I rewrote this chapter. I'm confused.

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She felt cold. She'd felt that way for too long. She wrapped herself up in a blanket on Josh's couch. She had been going for so long, trying just to get back here. She felt her body slowing down. She laid down, resting her eyes

She felt the thoughts in her mind slowing and edging towards nothingness. There was no need to think of the complicated parts of life. There was no need to feel alone and scared. She was safe. She was home.

Her dreams had always been soft nightmares, calling to her, torturing her. As she slept on Josh's office couch she didn't dream. She was left in a sleep so peaceful there was no need for other thought. There was no torture just the bliss of reality no matter how ignorant she did seem.

Josh arrived back from the situation room, pondering a dilemma, hoping for a better day. Then he saw on his couch the embodiment of what life was. She was sweet sleeping there, silent and sighing in breath. She was drooling onto the couch, perhaps in the least graceful position she could be in. She was beautiful, perfect.

He put down his folders on his desk and walked across the room towards her. He kneeled down in front of her, and just stared. It felt like it had been to long since they had breathed the same air, shared the same touch, even been together.

He took his hand and softly brushed her hair from her eyes. She startled herself awake. Her eyes opening suddenly. She never thought she could feel such peace, her eyes opening only to look into his.

"Hi' she mumbled trying to sit herself up.

"How you doing?" he asked.

She just nodded.

He pulled himself away from her and stood up. "You should go to your hotel and sleep."

"Is it getting late?" she asked wiping her eyes.

He looked at his watch. "It's six-thirty."

"Oh," she laughed quietly.

He let out a deep sigh. This was a hard day, harder than most days. She patted the couch beside her. He sat down graciously.

"I know you probably don't want me to ask," she began.

"Don't," he told her. "I don't know if I could… just don't."

"Okay," she said.

She just sat still with him. She leaned over and placed her head on his shoulder. "When I heard that…" she began slowly. She had to say it all without crying. "When I heard about the attacks, I froze. I don't know why but I was thinking… I was thinking about…" she didn't think it would be this hard. But she had avoided trying to say it. "I thought of you."

He sighed and wrapped his arm around her. "I thought of you too."

The silence grew, but it was warm and welcome. It was the silence of two people who didn't need to speak to know the others thought. It was the sound of two lovers closing in on love. It was the noise of two kindred souls.

She slowly slid her hand into his. They stared at they hands, together, joined finally yet infinitely apart. She arched her head up slowly, knowing his eyes were waiting for hers.

Looking deep into his eyes, she glanced slowly down at his lips. She lent in and kissed him softly. A slow kiss not passionate but filled with passion. It was the first time she had kissed him like she loved him. It was the first time she hadn't pulled herself away from it.

She was slowly moving away from him. Then he released her hand and pulled her back. He kissed her like a love, filled with passion and love. She was leaning over him, pressing her chest closer to his, moving into his kiss.

Suddenly the adjoining door swung open violently. Josh and Donna quickly pulled away from each other. They stood up and avoided eye contact. They were staring silently at the floor.

The President stood not knowing what to say, "Umm I'll come back."

"No, no sir,' Josh mumbled receiving glares from both Donna and Santos. "You remember Donna Moss."

"Of course," Santos said in an awkward tone. He offered her his hand, which she took with ease.

"It's a pleasure sir," she responded.

Once they released the handshake the room fell silent. No one knew what to say.

"Umm I should get going," Donna said suddenly.

Josh looked at her disappointed. He opened his mouth to speak.

"I'll call you when I wake up," she told him quietly. As she passed him she patted him on the shoulder in a sign of affection. She didn't know how appropriate it would be to kiss him on the check with the President in the room.

She closed the door quickly behind her. Then Maggie looking at her in curiosity, she lent against the door utterly horrified.

"That has to be the most embarrassing moment of my life."


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: If you seek to torture me then don't make me say it. Fine I don't own them.

Sad.

Author's note: Love me or not this is the story I wrote. New stuff soon.

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"Some days I can't believe how fat I look."

"What!" cried an exasperate voice in disbelief.

"I don't know," she responded. "Just something I said."

They tried to catch up when they had free time. But when they took their schedules into account they usually ended up having calls late at night while they looked over papers or folders. She had gone, but she hadn't let go. She called him every chance she got. But she would be the last to admit that she missed him.

"Let me make it very clear," he began. "You are in no way, shape, or form fat. Nor have I or anyone else who is in a healthy state of mind ever thought you were fat."

"Are you saying I'm crazy?" she asked, laughing quietly.

"Are you saying your fat?"

"Maybe."

"Then yes."

There was a lull. The voids were often filled with the smiles they couldn't see, or just the work that required all mental attention. The voids should have been filled with their laughter and love, not their denial.

"How do you know what I look like?" she asked when she finished reading over a particular sentence. "You haven't seen me in what three months?"

"Three months, eight days, nine hours, and twenty seven minutes," he corrected.

"You really are a freak," Donna reminded him, while cherishing his bizarre but sweet remembrance of time.

"I see you," Josh answered, ignoring her remark.

"What, are you paying someone to stalk me or should I call the papers to inform them of the abuse of the secret service…services." She paused when she realized how ridiculous she must sound.

"Uh Donna…" Josh began in a playful tone.

"Shut up! It sounded better in my head."

He laughed. Then he continued. "You were on television last week… and the paper a few days ago."

"I was in the paper?" she asked in shock.

"Just some local thing," Josh down played it.

She didn't want to ask how he knew that. Too many lulls had been left blank so those things would never be said.

"I was on television?" she asked equally surprised.

"Yeah," he told her brightly. "I taped it!"

"I say once more… freak."

He smiled, but before he could answer or cover up his obvious obsession there was a knock at the door. His assistant, Maggie entered.

"I have to go," he told her.

"Okay I'll talk you later," she told him.

"Yeah."

She hung up. That's how it always ended. Without any promises. Without any vows to speak soon. Just denial.

Josh stood for a moment reflecting on Donna, ignoring Maggie. He pulled himself from the trance quickly.

"Yeah?" he asked her.

"The Chairman?"

"Yeah," he said with a sigh. "Sure."


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I own not the characters of this thing. I love them though. So don't be sad for me. Unless you feel like it.

Author's Note: AHHH I haven't updated since October.

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There was something so unmoving in the air, breathless, pounding. He wanted more than anything to pick up the phone and just call her. But how? He had no idea what to say, no idea what she would want him to say.

Would it be all right to say he had missed her? Could it be right to tell her how he felt? How come things had gotten so much harder now that she was here.

About three hours after Donna had left there was a knock at his door. Maggie stepped inside.

"You have the President in fifteen minutes," she told him and then pointed at the phone. "And Donna's on line two."

Josh nearly jumped out of his seat. He picked up the phone.

"Hello?" he said while making a face at Maggie, who was laughing profusely.

"Hi," Donna said slowly.

Then there was silence. It was an awkward silence; they couldn't say it. They had the words waiting. They just didn't want to surface.

"I couldn't sleep."

Josh just sighed.

"I don't know… we um…"

Josh stood up then he said down again. "Do you think maybe we could…"

"You kissed me," Donna interrupted him.

"Wait," Josh said. "You kissed me."

"Let us not be mistaken. You were the one who did the kissing."

He dared not to argue a second time. "I missed you" It was easier than he thought it would be. Even if she hadn't missed him it was worth it. For him it was as close as saying I love you, just not too close.

She absorbed his words. Sitting quietly she searched for her own. "What are we doing?" she didn't want an answer. She just wanted there to be something, anything, she wanted, but then again she couldn't ever be sure.

He could feel an answer surfacing but he suppressed it. There was too much at stake to be dumb.

She spoke again before he could fumble over words. "Do you want to do breakfast tomorrow morning?"

"Not unless you can do it at 5."

She knew what he meant. But she felt like she could wake up at anytime just to see him again. She didn't want to miss him a moment longer. Not even sleeping. "My schedule is completely open."

He sighed. She shouldn't have gone to her hotel. She should have stayed at his office. She never should have left, never.

"Come in for lunch or something, I'll work it out,' he told her, utterly hoping the world could be destructing some other time. "We could probably do a late lunch, or a late dinner, or…"

"I'll be there," she interrupted his rambling. _Anytime_, she thought.

He was trying to pull his mind so he could end the conversation, not that he wanted to but he had to. He couldn't.

"Hey, there's a thing on Wednesday," he told her not really sure what he was talking about. 'Big party, ball gowns, you should come."

She was pretty sure that was the closest Josh would ever get to asking her out. She wasn't about to shy away from the opportunity. "I don't have anything to wear."

"Go shopping," he told her calmly. _Heck I'll even take you shopping_, he thought in a more panicked tone. He really wanted her to come. "Use my credit-card."

She just laughed. She wasn't sure why, and she didn't know how she managed to do it, but she did. "Wednesday night?" she asked soberly.

"Yup," Josh answered.

"I have flight the next morning," she told him.

"I thought you didn't know when you were leaving?" Josh asked, learning jumping through the phone to stop her from moving an inch.

"It's complicated," she told him in a sigh.

_Tell me about it._

"We'll talk tomorrow," Josh told her, trying to ease out of talking, trying to run away from any sort of disappointment..

"Sure," she answered. There was a short pause. "I'm going to sleep now."

"Good," Josh answered, half-through a mumble.

"Night," she answered.

The line went dead. Josh stared at the phone. She couldn't leave now. No there was too much at stake.


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I don't own them. I would be said but you know Christmas.

Author's Note: Enjoy.

Donna managed to drag herself to work. She enjoyed her job, but she never got up feeling excited, and she never went to bed feeling fulfilled. Everyday she thought about going back to D.C. but then she knew she had to let it go.

She pulled herself in front of the mirror. She had more wrinkles then she had a year ago. She looked more tired, which she hadn't believed was possible. She even had grey hair.

She brushed her teeth, imagining that she was in D.C. Thinking that she wasn't in this hot, bothersome, green environment. She didn't think she would miss the pollution, or the crime, or the drunks but part of her just couldn't stand California. She knew she didn't miss those things, she knew that the problem was far more personal. But she just told herself to let it go.

When the phone rang, she nearly leaped on it. When she saw the I.D. she was a little surprised.

"Hello?" she asked not really believing he was calling this early.

"Donna?" he asked. He sounded tired and groggy.

"Do you know what I found the other day?" she began, not questioning his timing or his purpose.

"What?" he asked, forgetting the reason he had called.

"Three grey hairs!" she told him.

"Donna?" he began to question.

"Hmm?" she mumbled, spiting out her toothpaste.

"Are you brushing your teeth?" he asked with skepticism.

She smiled. "Not anymore."

"Alright," Josh remarked. "There was a purpose to this call."

"Was there?"

"Yes."

She let him pause for a second.

"And that was?"

"I don't remember." He told her honestly.

She laughed. "I thought it was weird."

"What?" he asked in the distracted tone he used when he was doing something else.

"That you were calling so early," she told him matter-of-factly.

"Oh," he said looking at his watch. "It's already seven-thirty."

She didn't want to tell him that he hadn't called her that early in years. She didn't want to remind him that the last time they had talked it had been one-o'clock in the morning. She let it go, she pretended it wasn't there.

"Well it's five thirty here," she corrected him.

"Oh, God. Yeah. I didn't wake you?" he sounded worried, and fidgety, almost nervous.

"No Josh," she said. "Remember teeth brushing."

"Right," he laughed nervously.

She didn't know what was going on. He seemed out of place, vexed, upset. She paused, not knowing what to say, not knowing what was going on.

"Did you hear the guy on the radio the other day?" he asked her.

"The guy on the radio?" she questions as she ran through her kitchen trying to make coffee, and keep up with 'crazy' Josh at the same time.

"Umm…" Josh mumbled realizing that she probably needed more information. "Jonathan Starks?" He wasn't sure.

"Janice Starks?" Donna question and corrected.

"Yes that one," Josh said triumphantly.

"She's a woman Josh," she told him her voice laced with amusement.

"She is," he agreed with her. "What did I call her?"

"A guy," Donna told him.

"Hmm.." he mumbled.

"And Jonathan."

"Well anyway," he continued ignoring her sarcasm. "Did you hear her?"

"No."

"No!" he said. "Why'd you lead me on with the whole… she's a woman not a man…?"

She laughed. "I know who she is… I don't listen to her show… And for that matter why do you?"

"Maggie had it on," he said defensively.

"I wonder how the country would feel knowing that the second most powerful man listens to a ladies talk show?" she teased, while sipping her coffee.

"It's not a ladies talk show… I mean… I don't listen to it," Josh protested.

"Right Josh," she said moving back to her bedroom. She searched through her closet for something to wear.

"Anyway…" Josh paused realizing what he was about to do. He had to let it go. He had to let her be free. He couldn't make it hard for her. He couldn't tell her. He stopped himself just in time.

"Josh?" she asked pulling out a dress-suit. "What was the purpose of this call?"

He began to fake forgetfulness, "Ummm… I don't know… I just… You see the last time you called I was thinking and then I… And the President asked and I thought that I should… but now I…"

She stopped him. "Josh as much as I would love to laugh at you for a little longer I have to get ready for work."  
"Right," he said thankfully.

"So I'll call later," she told him with an assuring air of confidence.

"Bye."

"Good-bye."

Then she hung up. She felt better. Not much better but better.

Josh should call every morning, she told herself.


	14. Chapter 14

Dsiclaimer: I wish I owned them. I think I might get a cat. I'd name him Josh. He'd be cute. This Josh and Donna I do however not own.

Author's note: I want some company. That's why I think I'll get the cat. God no I'm not going to be a geeky person with a cat who writes all day. Well no I guess I am… for the most part. Wow I am sad.

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She felt dazed and perplexed. How long had it been since she had here? She was pretty sure she should start calling it home now. She just wasn't sure if he would want her too.

So she had kissed him. He had kissed her and she had made no objections. Is this where years of torment had brought them? Was this all there was to life? You live. You struggle. You love. Then you are lost.

She didn't want to admit it. She felt lost. Lost in a way she didn't mind feeling. She was lost in terms of not knowing how to love him. She was lost in not knowing if he were in love too. She didn't mind it but she hated it.

She looked up from the footsteps of the White House. Coffee in hand. She was ready to face whatever it was that was in there. A Josh who was going to end it before it got started. A Josh who might make out on office furniture. A Josh who was too busy to do anything at all. Or even a President who might accidentally walk in while confessing her love.

She was getting up the courage. She had to tell him.

"Maggie?" she asked when she finally reached his office. "Do you think it matters?"

"What matters?" Maggie responded as she filled something, giving Donna half her attention.

"Do you think Josh can care about anything but work?"

"He is a man isn't he?" Maggie joked.

Donna didn't laugh. She felt more like crying. She didn't know what was happening. She could barely keep an inner control of her emotions let alone an outward one.

Maggie looked over and saw her. "Don't worry." Maggie tried to reassure her. "He lo…"

She was cut off by the door opening and the Admiral exiting. He didn't notice Donna, and gave Maggie only half of what might be conceived as a glance.

Josh stood at the door. "Come on in," he mumbled to her. He turned almost immediately and went to his couch.

"Donna do you remember…" he began Donna following. Then he stopped dead and simply sat down. He didn't really move. His eyes kind of stared into space.

She closed the door silently and went to join him. She handed him a cup of coffee. He took it not really noticing he had.

"Josh," she sighed. "Something happened to me…when I left here. I mean I grew, I became someone else. I tried to run away Josh and I just couldn't do it." She took a deep breath. He took a sip of his coffee. "There's always been something calling me back. This is my home Josh."

"Do you remember?" he began not really acknowledging what she had said. "that time we went to New Hampshire and you told me that…." He paused again.

"That there was something important you should never forget about being a man," she continued. "There's always something you're going to regret. Something that you can't change no matter how much you want to. You just have to remember you are a good man and keep living."

She looked at him. He was tired, desperate for some kind of sleep. There was no way he could keep going like this. She wanted to reach over and run her hand through his tangled hair. She wanted to feel his forehead, keep him alive. Alive long enough for her to have him, for the very least/

"You remember that?" she asked him.

He just nodded.

Then a lull fell on the room. She didn't know what he was thinking. She was lost. She needed to find a way out.

"This isn't something that can't be changed is it?" he said finally.

"What?" she asked a little to shocked by what she thought he meant for it to be true.

"Me and you," he mumbled. "It's not too late?"


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I own not… I had a roommate named Gayle… I like fish.

Author's Note: Yep well all of you who love the forum… or form… or whatever I should call it that's great. All of you who are as crazy as I am good on ya!. And for you guys who are lost… be patient the greatness is yet to come.

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A few days later she returned his morning call. He nearly laughed when he saw her number.

"Grey hairs huh?"

"You know one day you're going to do that and it's not going to be me," she told him irritated. She was violently throwing cloths into a suitcase.

"Who else would be calling from your apartment?" Josh asked hastily.

"I don't… Brad…" she offered as an example. She pulled out some things from her closet.

Josh felt his eyebrows tense up. "Who's Brad?"

"Do you not think it's weird that I know the name of your assistant but you still have yet to learn the name of mine?"

"But Brad's a man's name?"

She sighed. "Did you not realize that my assistant was a man?"

"Your assistant is a man!" he said laughingly.

"Did you think it was just a woman with a strangely deep voice?" she questioned him in a testy tone.

"I really didn't think about it," he told her, looking over some files on international law. "And why would he be at your apartment?"

She let out a long huff. "I really couldn't say."

He could hear the irritation in her tone. "Donna what…"

"I'm going to Gaza Tomorrow," she interrupted quickly.

There was a pause. He should have said something comforting. He should have helped her be all right.

"When did this happen?" he asked selfishly.

She tried to calm down. "This morning. I wasn't supposed to go, well frankly I said I wasn't going to go. With so many of the Governor's citizens in the armed forces…"

"Yeah," Josh replied in understanding.

"And so there are people going. And… then… there was some kind of mix up…and I…" she just wanted to break down.

"Are you okay?" he asked giving her his full attention.

"Yeah," she sighed. "I've just been testy."

He smiled, he had noticed. "Are you going to be okay?" he needed to be sure.

She felt better. She always did. She hated that.

"I don't know."

They stayed on the phone a little longer. She stopped packing. He stopped working. Neither one spoke, only their soundless breathe could be heard. She wanted to cry, to come back. But this was what she had to do. She had to face life. She had to feel safe alone. It was too soon to go back.

The President entered from the joining door. He looked up at Josh expecting some kind of acknowledgement.

Josh stood up but didn't look at the man in the eye. "When are you leaving?" Josh asked urgently.

She didn't answer at first. She was just sitting, hoping that maybe her flight would take her to D.C. and not to Gaza. That maybe she wouldn't have to visit the place that gave her nightmares. That she could live in a good dream, and be with him.

The President took a few steps forward and made a half-cough to get Josh's attention.

"Donna I have to go now," Josh said when he looked at the President's face. "Can I call you back?"

"Please," she answered to her surprise.

"Okay. You'll be up?"

"Yeah," she told him.

"Okay?"

"Okay."

He hung up the phone. "What can I do for you sir?"


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I own them not. But wouldn't it be great it I did?

Author's note: Not the longest chapter I've ever written. But I love it. At least to me it's a tear-jerker. Then again I am a hopeless romantic and it feel out of my brain.

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The Music lay softly in the background. Small words could speak of this thing that was happening. Two souls were being guided together, years of pain perhaps ending in these moments.

She stared in his eyes as he danced her about the floor. She had never expected for his eyes to make her knees weak. She didn't know if it was too late. She didn't want it to be.

He smiled slowly. Slow dancing was always softer, kinder. He had a lover's heart. He wore a lover's smile. Standing this close to his lover, he felt almost alone. Her smell was so strong. He brought her close, and put his cheek to hers.

She rested her head on his shoulder. This was too much to imagine. That she had finally come to reach this moment, she couldn't believe it, but she was foolish, a fool in love.

"Donna," he whispered. Maybe that ended the moment. Maybe that broke the ecstasy of the moment. But his voice made her calm, it sounds right.

"Hmm?" she answered backing up and looking at his eyes again.

All he had to do was kiss her. He had to avoid fumbling. He had to speak plainly the words that were stuck in his throat.

"Nothing," he mumbled. He couldn't do it. Things had been this way for so long. He doubted that they would ever change. No matter how much he hoped for it, he thought the words were impossible to say a loud.

She didn't mind. She just returned her head to his shoulder.

Her grey dress swayed as they rocked back and forth. The music filled the air with raptures of fantasy, a fantasy so far from reach, but at their finger tips. Less than inches away.

He sighed quietly. She could feel his breath rest on her neck. Maybe it was a wanting breath, a cold breath, a hot breath.

"I'm leaving tomorrow."

He didn't say anything. He didn't need to. They just stayed there the whole night swaying, to the lullabies of fantasy


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: How I wish I owned them! And alas I do not. Oh the pain!

Author's Note: I like this chapter. It makes me laugh.

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"Where are you going with that?" she yelled at an intern.

"I'm sorry," he remarked and handed her some papers.

"Thank you," she replied and took the papers to her office.

A young man followed her trying to keep up pace. "You're happy this morning."

She just glared at him. "I'm as happy as I am every morning."

"Did you get laid?"

She stared at him for a moment. "I don't know how you think you can say things like that and not be fired…"

He smiled. "Okay we'll just say you had a hearty _breakfast_."

She sighed. "_Breakfast _is a myth."

"Going through a dry spell?" he questioned sarcastically.

"I mean I haven't had breakfast yet," she told him, not answering the question.

He looked at her. "Ah that explains it."

"Explains what?" she snapped, leaving the papers on her desk, grabbing some notes and walking back out the door.

"You're being so jumpy this morning," he told her. "You've had like what three cups of coffee on an empty stomach."

"Yeah," she realized. "Can someone get me a bagel!" She had yelled into a crowd of employees, commanding a bagel that instant. She liked to pretend she was Josh at times and had picked up some of his less amusing habits.

"So if it's not _breakfast_ then what is it?" he asked her curiously.

"You know for an assistant Brad, you're extremely intrusive," she told him, moving towards a closed door.

"It's part of my charm," he told her brightly.

She snorted. "Nothing happened."

"Ahh…" he said.

"What!"

"Josh called," he guessed.

"When?" she asked pretending not to understand.

"He called you this morning," he told her.

"Really? What did he say?"

"Only that he's madly in love with you," he said jokingly.

"I wish," she said passively. Then she paused. "Did I just?"

"Yup."

She looked at his grinning face. "Shut Up!"

He laughed.

"I have a meeting now!" she told him and walked fluently through the door ignoring him perfectly


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I have these things I own… some of them… but as it were… I do not own them… these things I herein write about… but it would be cool if I could… they would dance for me. DANCE DANCE… ummm…

Author's Note: Okay right like I said… all will be clear….

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She called him later and left a message on his voice mail. "Hey Josh. It's now six-in the morning and I know you didn't forget about me… so don't worry… I have to get going now… I hope everything is okay… I just want to tell you… I just needed to tell you…" she could have done it. She wanted to tell him. "Thank you," she said that instead

The phone went dead. She grabbed her bags and ran out the door. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He e-mailed her the first chance he got. He missed her. He wanted to tell her. He felt terrible. He wanted to help.

Dear Donna,

Things have been crazy around here. I wish I could tell you why. But you know how things are.

I'm so sorry I couldn't call you. I've felt terrible about it ever since. I know you said not to worry but I made a promise. I wanted to help. I wanted to be there for you.

Please, please e-mail me a long message that I will try my best to read in one go. Right now I have to get moving.

Be safe,

Josh


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I own them…. not.

Author's Note: Wow… so hi… and umm…. Cats are really vicious. She won't leave me alone now. She used too but now she's all like stab… ATTACK… but just so I could you know…. Note something…

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Donna went outside to get some air. Glass of champagne in one hand, the other hand grasping at the wisps of air. _Tragic_, she thought. Yes perhaps. Alone when there was little need, only fearing what she couldn't manage to reach around. She didn't know what to do.

Could she say the words before it was to late? She knew she probably wouldn't. When it came to communication she and Josh weren't really very bright. Still she'd woken up too many times alone, there was no need. It was almost during pensive moments like this she wondered what could have been, if it could ever be.

She imagined his warm embrace. His soft lips brushing her cheek. His hair, o his hair. His eyes just staring at her, like gazing at stars. Dancing with him, forever and always.

"Hey," he said softly as he mumbled his way into her space. He had left her to finish work, he had been gone for two hours. "I didn't know if you'd still be here."

She smiled and turned around to look at him more clearly. He was smiling and she felt her knees go weak. She was losing control and for once it didn't feel like it would tragically end. "I promised to stick around."

He nodded. She took a hand and brushed it on his cheek. "You look tired." He didn't really, not anymore than usual. She just thought she'd put the idea in his head.

He smiled and led her over to the edge of the steps. She followed him, loving the touch of his hand in hers. Thinking if nothing else that she could always remember that. When he stopped she stuttered and found herself a little too close. She took a short step back but not too far, she liked the way he smelt.

"Do we need to talk?" Josh asked her. "I think we might need to talk. Because we've been kinda doing this thing where we avoid talking. Not that we… well I guess we've been doing it for a while but we should…"

Josh didn't finish his sentence. Donna was kissing him, silently and passionately. Josh was startled only briefly but he quickly rapped his arms around her. She pulled back from him after a long moment.

"What time is it?" she asked him.

Josh looked at his watch. "Around three."

"D'you still need to be here?" she asked, trying to hint at her plans for the evening.

Josh just shook his head. He took her hand and turned to walk quickly. They reached his car keys relatively unnoticed. Donna got rid of her glass along the way. They were silent, not managing words, not wanting them.

She got in the car feeling giddy, exhilarated. She tried her best not to think of what he was thinking. She suddenly realized where he was planning on going.

"Go to my hotel," she said through the silence. Josh told the driver the address. Donna looked down, his hand lay on the seat between them. She reached over, with hesitation she grabbed it. Josh looked over at her, eyes staring, gazing. She tilted her head and fell on his shoulder.

Once they reached the hotel Josh nearly ran passed his secret service agents. Donna laughed and told him to let them do their job. She thought it was a wonder they even found the bed. But they spent the whole night playing between the sheets.

When the morning call came, she felt Josh reach over her. She had never thought that such small touches could mean so much intimacy. She felt depression reach her heart however, she had a flight this morning.

"Wake up, they say?" Josh told her with a smile. She laughed quietly.

He wrapped and arm around her and she found her way into his embrace. With her head resting on his chest, she could hear his heart. She felt like she knew him then, her Josh. But she knew it would end when she moved away. She knew then she would lose all she had learnt. She knew it would take time to discover who he really was. So they stayed there in the bed sheets, embraced in each other. The words that had been lulling around for years were finally inching their way to the present.


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: I own them not, these creators of divine will. Their beauty so much more than I could ever hold.

Author's note: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

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Her flight was delayed and he was worried. Instead of coming in a couple of hours late she was coming in a couple of days late. Saturday the fourth instead of Thursday the second. He felt irritated, and irrational. He wanted to see her to talk with her.

She didn't mind waiting. She felt a sudden peace knowing she was heading back. She had faced Gaza. She had faced herself. Now she had to go back and face the one thing she had been ignoring for the past few months.

He woke up falling out of bed, trying to turn of his alarm. Sitting on the floor half-naked and half awake he realized his alarm never went off.

"Josh Lyman?" he answered the phone next to his alarm clock still not aware of where exactly he was or who he was for that matter.

"Sorry to wake you Josh," rang a familiar tone on the other end.

"Donna it's six in the morning," he muttered back.

"I know I'm surprised you're at home," she told him.

"Donna this really isn't the best way to lecture me on my sleep patterns," he mumbled half coherently, trying to wake up.

"That's not why I'm surprised," she told him. "I was just called to remind you I'm in town."

He sat puzzled and awed. "No, you're not here until tomorrow.'

She sounded irritated but she didn't seem angry. "No actually. My flight arrived today. About forty minutes ago."

"No, no, no, no, no," Josh said repeatedly. "You said you were coming on the fourth."

"It is the fourth."

"Oh my God." Josh rattled himself back to reality. "Donna I'm sorry. Should I come get you?" his voice was sincere and tragically apologetic.

"No," she sighed. "I'm in a cab I'll go to my hotel."

He stood up and began to pace the room. He ran his schedule through his head. "When can I see you?" he asked suddenly not carrying about the things he'd have to do that day.

"Well I was going to have breakfast with you but that sounds pretty much like a bust." She paused. "I'm free all day. You're the busy one."

"Okay," Josh tired to think. "Just come to the White House. They'll let you in. I can arrange something."

"Josh I don't want to spend my entire day waiting around in the West Wing," she sounded annoyed but she had a valid point.

"Donna I don't know when…"

"I know. I'm sorry," she said more calmly. "I'll be there around noon. If I don't see you at least I'll get to see Maggie."

He sighed. "Donna I'm sorry. I can't believe I…"

"Don't worry," she mumbled. "I know."

"I'll see you," he promised her.

"Okay."

"Bye."

She hung up the phone.

God how could I be so stupid? He asked himself.

He hadn't seen Donna. He was praying to see Donna. Then he forgets! And she completely understood. It was beyond his belief. Even _he_ was pissed.

He started to get ready for his day. He stumbled into the shower. He felt like crap. This was his Donna. He felt his tummy do flips as he imagined looking at her. He felt his heart bounce at the thought of her. Then he got a hold of himself and remembered who he was and why he was there.

As much as he wanted to be with _his_ Donna, there was a great many things that needed to be done. A crisis to avert, a country to guard, and a world to save. How could he ever enough time to be with his Donna in any universe where he was Josh Lyman.

She was here though, and he'd be damned if he didn't play with the fantasy. Who knew how long it would be before he could see her again. He thought for a moment, she would only be here for a few days. As much as he knew that things could change in a minute, he wasn't sure a couple of days was enough time to save _his _Donna from whatever was going on. Could anything really change in a couple of days when they had been standing still so long? Was it too late for things to be said that really could alter the way things were?


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: I do not own them.

Author's note: Tis the end… I finished… enjoy…

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He drove her to the airport in a daze. He couldn't believe she was going back. He wanted her to stay. He needed her to stay. But he was driving her to the airport.

She sat quietly mulling over a thought. She was trying to suppress it. She had been trying for months now. She knew it would only cause damage. She had tried to let it go. But she couldn't.

"Hey Josh?" she whispered through the quiet.

"Hmm?" he mumbled unaware if she had spoken.

"Do you remember Lisa?" she asked biting her lip. She had wanted to tell him since she had arrived. But she hadn't. She had wanted to tell him since that night. She sat waiting for him to respond. She wasn't even sure where this was heading.

"The one who's sick?" he asked not really sure.

"Yeah," she answered. Then she paused. She let the silence hang.

"What about her?" he asked turning to look at her for a brief moment. He saw the sadness in her expression, but he saw something he hadn't seen for a while. Hope.

"She died that night I called you," Donna whispered.

"Really?" Josh exclaimed in disbelief. "Why didn't you tell me?" he didn't mean to sound selfish. He was soft and kind. He was perfect.

She smiled. "I just did."

"That's not what I mean," Josh said softly. "God Donna I wanted to be there for you. I don't know what to say."

He sounded timid and comforting. She was sure then. She had to tell him.

"You don't have to," she told him. He tried to formulate a protest. "You already did," she whispered.

They didn't talk for the rest of the ride. Josh had to forcefully tell himself not to ask her to stay. She had to be her own person. Donna kept mulling over the same thought. But she never spoke.

Josh helped her check her bags. Then his phone rang. While she was talking with the ticket agent Josh carried on a conversation that was forcing him back to the West Wing.

By the time he hung up he found himself in front of the security line. He turned to look at Donna. Just looking at her made him want to stay. But he was a better man than that; he had to go.

"Donna I wanted to talk with you, get coffee or something but I have too…"

"I know," she interrupted him. She placed her hand supportively on his shoulder. "I've learnt enough to know when something's gone wrong."

He smiled. He just stared in her eyes. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever met. He didn't understand how he could be letting her go. Just as she leant in to kiss him a kiss on the check he began. "Donna don't…."

She kissed him softly and whispered words in his ear. The world went silent and he couldn't move. IF he had he would have grabbed her and stopped her. He would have told her the truth. He would have filled all the voids in their lives with affection. But by the time he replied she was gone. The back of her head edged away in the distance.

"I love you too," he softly said as she vanished.


End file.
